Life for me is not a a bed of roses. i went through hell throughout my teenage days, and literally wasted my youth with such unnecessary illness. I could not relate to people, and basically, I had no friends.

Now, everything seems to be much better, and I wish that the stories that I have provided will motivate and help for those facing with this illness

March 10, 2005

As usual, sent my brother to school. I was feeling rather tired as I had watched the live soccer match at 4 am. Got back to sleep, and the next thing I knew I was back up again. Arggh.

Went to school at around 835 am. Damn that was late, school started at 9, and it takes about 45 minutes everyday to get to school.

Upon reaching school, I felt quite relaxed. I managed to speak smoothly. I have found the truth. Speak slowly and steadily. I have to learn to resist speaking really fast. I just felt I had to end what I had to say soon, afraid that others might be bored to what I have to say.

The real fact is, speaking with a clear and steady tone, people would listen more to what you are going to say. So I have to drill this into my brain, that is, to speak slowly and pronounce the words properly.

I managed to joke for a lot of times, stuff that I did not imagine I would do in my life. I felt contented for some moment.

There were also moments when I felt bad. I just felt some of my friends are not sincerely comfortable with me. I have this niggling feeling that they feel I do not like them. To me, my presence is a kind of discomfort to them. I got a bit down just now, but managed to get over in a spilt second with my growing positive mind.

I spent the whole day doing project. It was a relaxed situation. I no longer feel anxious and threatened in social situations. I managed to mingle and joked quite a bit. Finally, I emerged victorious. People are comfortable around me, although at times I have to apply the things that I have learnt on eliminating anxiety or fear, like relaxation, positive affirmations etc.

I find that it gets easier now that your anti-anxiety foundations are quite solid. It is more easier to apply on anxiety provoking situations.

I got home at around 630pm, feeling rather contented with my performance for the day.

11 March 12, 2005

Today was a hectic day for me. I was told to be at class by 9-10 am by my project members but it something cocked up at the last moment. So I had to delay my attendance.

I sent and fetched my brother from school. Then it was time to go attend class. I got prepared at around 10 am. I felt jittery at that moment; this was probably due to my anxiety. I had thought that they would not believe me for my late attendance.

I have this constant thought that people do not trust me. I keep thinking that what I have told them, they will think they are untrue. This sucks. SA sucks.

Probably because I have told a lot of white lies, lies that I had to make..I just had to, to save myself from embarrassment. Well, THIS is SA.

On the bus, I kept thinking about what would happen when I got to the lab. What would they think of me? I felt that I was just providing an excuse to attend the group project late. That's what they would think of me.

Again, this was a negative thought. My auto-negative thought stopping seems to work lately. For split seconds, I was back to normal. That was indeed an achievement.

Upon reaching the lab, the room was empty. I gave one of my project mates a message that I was there, but only 2 turned up out of the seven people. Then my mom gave a call. She told me that something had cocked up in the house once again. I went home straight. That was tiring, to be going to school, and return home again..argh..

At home, after settling an emergency, I sat back on the computer desk, planning what I should do and continue with the project from home.

Once again, the SA symptoms hit me. I was quite tensed, and I kept thinking that the group leader was having doubts about me going home. Again, negative thoughts. I had to eliminate that. Positive affirmations, and keeping my muscles relaxed. These are some techniques that have helped me throughout my battle, and it seems that it starting to gel with my behaviour. Heheh.

At around 4 pm, I went back to the lab. Felt quite tensed again with my project leader. I know this is really irrational, but I have this constant feeling that he's quite uncomfortable with me at times. I felt that he felt I don't feel quite comfortable with him, but god knows, I just did my stuff.

But he does calls me to play soccer once in a while or watch a movie, so I cant judge him totally based on what happened.

In the lab, I was a bit relaxed. I could talk to my project girl mates very comfortably. Yay! That was an achievement, once again..heheh. I no longer have those blushes and weird moments, although I may experience that once in a while if I met a beautiful lady. The key to that was to relax the muscles and speak really slowly, and I mean really slowly, with proper pronunciations. The next challenge was to continue conversations.

My project leader and I went to the canteen to chill out. Yes, I could talk, by talking slowly, and stuff, but the problem was, once I sensed that he has no interest in me, I just shut down. I don't continue the conversation. I feel like a robot. There would not be enthusiasm. BAH! I would be thinking what I should say to spur his interest towards me. Arrgh, I know, thinking that way will not work.

Upon leaving school , I just realized my mistake. I forgot positivity, and affirmations. Damn, that was harsh. I cleared up my mind, and did what I had to do, and MAN, my whole perspective towards a person changed. I made myself feel that I was useful, that people liked me, and everything changed.

At around 7 pm, I went to umpire a few matches at a competition. And yet again, I triumphed. Months ago, I would become nervous, shaky, and felt the whole world was against me if I had done that. Yesterday, it was completely different. Those competitiors were talking to me, I was talking to them, although at times I did not dare look into their eyes, but overall it was a job done reasonably well..heheh..

Over there, I met with a few guys that have the gangster-like characteristics. I had always have a bias towards such people. I always think that they are a bunch of snobs that wont talk to people like me, the quiet shy type. But I soon find out majority are not like that. They spoke to me in a friendly manner, and felt warm.

I have also realized together with my past experience, that when people make mistakes, some of them tend to be nervous, shaky and stuff, but they soon forget about them after that. They don't dwell on it nor do they get overly embarrassed over that.

Talking to people seem to be much easier. I just have to keep this 3 core things in mind, positiity, affirmations, relax..that's it..

12 March 13, 2005

today was another hectic period. When I was sleeping, I was asked to go to the bank to arrange some monetory stuff. I was damn sleepy, but I just had to do the job. I cared for what they feel, even though I felt like rebelling. I have realized that most people, if they did not want to do a job, they would just say “okay okay,” and went back to sleep. Get it? No frustrations or anger, as they did what they wanted to do, which was sleep, and what the uncle or parents say did not matter. “I am sleepy, so I am just gona sleep”. Bleah, I just cant type proper English..arrgh..

Well, when I got there, I did not see or feel my nervous self. I was so calm and relaxed. But when it was my turn to speak to the lady at the counter, my nervous level rose to about 10 to 15 %. I think that's normal for everyone..im not too sure…heheh..

Yes, I could speak to her clearly, showing interest and stuff, but at there was a moment when I suddenly got nervous for about 0.1 second, and I gave a smirk to her..arrgh..She must be thinking I was strange..hahah..

Oh well, the practice that I have been doing to overcome SA were helping. I dd not feel useless or anything. I just got over it. That's it..

Oh well, I just have to keep on practicing. The method of speaking real slow is getting ineffective, I should not say ineffective, but I just forgot to speak slow at times, arrgh..so it was my fault..heheh

My mom's friend came to my house to have a chat. She told my mom that when I speak, I seem to be impatient, and tend to speak real fast. Damn, gotta practice talking slow..

13 March 2005

well, today I woke up late, around 10 am. Today's a pretty much normal day, nothing interesting.

Felt quite well, as I managed to converse with a lady, who is my mom's friend. I reminisce the days when I struggled to even speak a sentence, and before long, they would leave alone, in a world of solitude and depression…sad..

When I first met her, my nervousness rose to about 20 %, but in a split second, I managed to calm myself down. Breathing and positive affirmations that was what it took. Hahah…

When she asked me some questions, I spoke in a really slow manner, pronounced slowly, and these gave the confidence to elaborate to what I had wanted to say.

All the way, I was relaxed. I met with a few people, and I could look in their faces and give a nice hello to them.

Everyday seems to be alright for me lately. I am having good conversation with my parents

14 & 15 march 2005

These 2 days were the worst days of my week. on Monday we had a physical fitness test. Students that I knew from previous batches came together to do the test. Those that I knew felt a bit uneasy with me, I guess. It's all about the stigma that I had imposed on myself years ago.

I was feeling quite low. I had sensed that I did not really put in effort to relate or talk to them, and I felt bad for myself.

To be truthful, I was actually quite sad and envious seeing my friends having close friends and enjoying themselves and stuff, while I couldn't do that even though I have improved drastically now.

I condemned myself for not being friendly and talking to those people when I had the chance. DAMN. Anyway, I was a bit anxious those 2 days as I was really rushing to hand in my assignment. So it affected my days too.

These 2 days were the most anxious days of the week. Although I wasn't feeling any nervousness, the anxiety brought a low feeling to me.

I did not talk much, but manage to converse and chat. So it was not that bad.

16 march 2005

went to school as normal. Attended some classes and continued project right away. It was a quiet day. I did not talk much. I continued my work, and talked when I needed to. I did not joke a lot either.

I found my speech today was very fast. I did not practice slow talking method that I had created for myself.

I am also quite happy a as I managed to look people in the eyes when talking. There was little or no quivering of the eyelids.

Looking into peoples' eyes make that people talk to us more. They take us more seriously.

Okay, that's about it.

17 March 2005

Basically, one of the suckiest ever week I have had. I could not speak, I did not look a people's eyes when I needed to, I did not perform as I had expected, that's it, blew it.

I seldom talked to my friends, I was tensed at times. I did my project all the way. At least I managed to remain cool and calm.

I just found out something. If you don't initiate the conversation, they ain't gonna speak to you, unless you meet some friendly mates, and they'll be the ones initiating the conversation.

I was quiet all the way, even when I was alone with my close friend in the group. I could sense that he doesn't like or rather comfortable with me. Arggh, I really could sense it.

After all the pain, I went home. I was quiet once again. I seldom talked to anyone, but I did not feel any anxiety whatsoever.

The anxiety level today was about 20 percent more, ok, maybe not anxious, but more of that negative mental well-being.

18 march 2005

well, today I tried to do something that I had tried months ago, that was, forcing. I forced myself to to talk to people, although at times it was a pain. But I just did not care. I just kept talking.

I forced my brain to function, to constantly keep active. Eventually, people opened up to me more. They spoke to me rregardless how I felt. That was good. Project was a rush, but went on smoothly with my constant positive attitude. That was the way to go.

At about 5 pm, when the project submission due, I was satisfied, thus releasing all my tension whatsoever that I had been maintaining earlier on.

I got so relieved that I forgot the techniques that I have learnt in overcoming SA. For example, positive affirmations, looking into people's eyes, and breathing properly. Even so, I was relaxed all day long.

I think that the techniwues that I have learnt to relax myself have gelled with my body and mind. And I hope the other techniques will gel on me real soon.. :)

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